So, I did my makeup today and I wore some long hair and felt a lot better. I think it was making an investment in my appearance that helped me the most.

Huzzah!

My recital ended up going very well. So did the opera! And then I did a crazy recital for this guy named Nakki and it drove me mad!!!! But it turned out well in the end. I got some nice recordings that I'll be able to share soon enough.

I feel very silly because of something that is equally silly. 

My Indian is involved in an up and coming magazine, he is the Artistic Director of it, and this magazine is being started by a friend of mine. I help Sid all the time by giving him opinions on things and clarifying things for him about what the world likes, and this in turn makes  things better for our friend and for the magazine. I think that Will (the mag guy) knows that I'm helping and stuff and I've expressed and interest in being of more help, but I think he just doesn't want me to and I can't figure out why.  

The reason this is so silly to me is that through all of this I feel like a little sister watching her big brothers go off and do something fun that I'm too little to do yet. I know it's silly to feel such a blow to my ego and my confidence just because he hasn't asked me to help too, even though I am positive that I have skills that can be of value. 

What makes me feel even sillier is that I want so badly for him to ask me to be a model for the magazine. I know that my wanting this so badly is an extension of the fact that I haven't felt very pretty lately, and that I want some validation that I actually AM pretty, but I still want it. 

Lately I've been feeling like no matter what I do I am not pretty enough, or I'm not as pretty as I used to be. I haven't gained any weight, really, my skin is doing okay. I'm not happy with my hair, but when am I happy with it in it's natural state?

I don't feel ugly... It's weird how I'm feeling, I guess. I miss my long hair, as annoying as it was.... And expensive. 

Women of the world, a good weave is DAMNED expensive. 

I guess more than anything I miss the confidence having that long hair gave me. I was constantly getting looks from all kinds of people. They told me I was pretty all the time. With my normal hair I don't get that at all. :( 

I'm trying my best to grow my hair out right now. Gah it's just so weird. I was fine a couple weeks ago. I think. Now I can't remember. 

I wish I could do my own weave. Or that I knew someone who could do it for like 25 dollars if I provide the hair. :p

Oh well. Maybe I should look into some dominican salons. But I don't want them to braid my hair too tight! That leads to hair loss. 

What I really want is for my own hair to grow long and silky and be amazing. Why must it take so long and be so difficult to grow it out?

Okay I'll quit ranting haha.

I guess I'm feeling a little better. After the sadness and disappointment lessoned I started feeling like, "Okay, now what can I do to fix this?"

I called my mom, and of course she started off by yelling at me for getting yelled at. Some things, yes, I needed reaffirmed, but I could've done without her yelling at me too for some things. She said that I should try to remember that even though Dr. Pilar is a master teacher, she isn't MY master and she isn't the master at everything.

Wah.

I have just had my first voice lesson that truly makes me feel like I'm not cut out for this business. I feel like I totally suck and like I'll never be successful and like my recital should be canceled.


Great.

Life gets pretty monotonous lately. I'm in class with Sid, it's a Sexual Psychology class. It's an interesting class, but christ, it's fucking 8:15 in the morning. I left my car in one of the garages in school, and I regret it because I could've gotten 2 more hours of sleep :(.

Sorry if I'm being scattered.

Drew is also in class with us and an ex-girlfriend of his is also in this class, sitting right in front of him. She really screwed him over in freshman year. She has the smallest hands I've ever seen on a girl of her height. She's not that tall, but she has a big head and a small body and hasn't  aged at all since she got to school. She still looks like a teenager. It's just weird/interesting for me to see someone who looks so young at around my age, I suppose.

I have a rehearsal with Paul (pianist) at 10-11. I tried to invite Andy (trumpeter), but he's pretty busy so sometimes it's difficult to get him to respond. Hopefully he can come to my dress on Thursday. I have the hall from 12-2, but Nilda in the recital halls office said there's a jazz recital and they may try to kick me out before 2. I have decided that I am going to stick to my guns and stay for the entire time I'm allotted whether they want me out or not. I have been a lot sassier lately for whatever reason. I'm hoping it's not a negative thing.

I'm so excited/scared for my recital! AAAHHHHH! I need to order my trays for my reception after my recital! I need to make cupcakes! AHH! I don't know where a lot of my cooking stuff is. I have to ask kyla and look around in my room. I was looking for my steamer the other day and couldn't find it, and now thinking back, I have a silicone cupcake pan that is MIA.

I need to get the last of my things from my old apartment anyhow.

I think opera-theatre went pretty well today. I did a lot of things wrong, and Mrs. De Acha was getting a little frustrated; but on the other hand, everyone was doing things wrong, and to begin with in my opinion Mrs. D needed to be more specific about certain things from the get go.

I forgot a lot of staging things, and I need to brush up on my music, but I think on the whole it could've been a lot worse. Hugely worse. I did a lot of things right, and I'm going to concentrate on that so that I can do more right later! :)

My recital is coming this friday!  If you are out of the area and are unable to come, you can livestream via this link! OMG! Wow!

http://www6.miami.edu/UMH/CDA/CalendarRedesign/Cal/1,1151,E-14326,00.html#topTitle


I hope that it goes well. I'm preparing the best I can. Okay time to make a recital flier! Ciao!

Today I got an email informing me that I was chosen the Outstanding Senior of the Year for my major! I'm so happy! I get to have a luncheon with the Dean of the music school, and I get to go to UM Honors Day.

It makes me want to tell the whole world! It makes me want to go shopping! :)

I HOPE THIS MEANS I'LL GET INTO UM WITH FULL TUITION WAVER AND ASSISTANTSHIP!!!!!!!

No I didn't accidentally put on caps lock haha.

Watching programs on the Style Network about super models always makes me want to be a model. Being a model was totally my dream since childhood. Unfortunately, I don't think it's quite possible. At least not in America. In India I would be able to.

I don't know if it's a good idea to even think about it though. Singing is what I do!! 

Tournez dadas sans qu'il sois besoin
d'user jamais pour nuls esperon
pour commonder, a vos gallops round
tournez tournez sans espoir de foin

tournez dadas sans qu'il sois besoin
d'user jamais pour nuls esperons
pour commonder a vos gallops round
tournez tournez sans espoir de foin

tournez dadas sans qu'il sois besoins
d'user jamais pour nuls esperons
pour commander a vos gallops round
tournez tournez sans espsoir de foin

c'est estonnant comme ca vous soule
d'aller ainsi dance cirque bette
rien dans le vent et mal dans le tete
du mal en masse et du bien au foule

tournez.

can you tell I'm trying to memorize the words? hahaha

My heart is like a singing bird, whose nest is in a watered shoot.
My heart is like an apple tree, whose boughs are bent with thickest fruit.
My heart is like a rainbow shell, that paddles through a halcyon sea.
My heart is gladder than all these, because my love is come to me.
Because my love is come to me.
Raise me a dais of silk and down.
Hang it with vair and purple dyes.
Carve it with cloves and pomegranates
and peacocks with a hundred eyes.
Work it with gold and silver grapes
and leaves and silver fleur de lys.
Because the birthday of my life is come
my love is come to me
to me is come the birthday of my life
Oh my life, and my love!!!!

I really like that poem.

Je suis nervous! I know it will be okay, but I'm still a little aaahh about it. I should concentrate on what i will wear. :)

I passed my hearing! Yay! I still have to sing a smaller hearing on monday....It's only 2 songs though. We also shortened my program. Whooppeeeeee!!!!!

So. It's spring break. I haven't really done much. I've had 2 voice lessons. My pieces are coming along.

Yay!

I tried to get Dr. Hardenbergh to reschedule my recital hearing because I don't think i'll be prepared (I'm trying not to set that in stone though), but she said no. :( I'm a little more than freaked out now, but I'm going to try to pour myself into the music and learn it the best that I can this week.  Prof. Johnson said that he would try to get in more coachings for me; I really hope it helps.

I'm going to try to get Dr. Pilar to give me some extra 1/2 hours during the week... I mean, taking a credit of senior recital entitles me to an extra 1/2 hour a week with her but I suppose she is too busy or doesn't know about it or something. But for her to not know about it is ridiculous so wtf, mate?

Please pray for me and my little recital!!!!!!!

I might put the texts of my songs up on here to try to memorize them.... I'm probably going to be writing them out over and over again too.

I am so tired! I feel a lot better than I have in months though.

I'm still freaked out about my recital hearing, but I'm doing a little better! I'm learning my pieces as fast as I can. :)

Gosh, I'm falling asleep right here. I need to study for my French exam though!

I had a lesson today and we addressed me having a rounder color and tone, and on this little upward portamento thing. Dr. Pilar said I'd need to learn it for my career!

Okay the eyes are drooping. Must go!

And I'm freaked about my recital hearing!!! I don't know my music yet! I'm working really hard though. I practiced 2 hours straight today. I haven't needed to do that in a long time. I need to get in the habit of practicing for longer each day though. I'm hoping that if i choose a piece from the set I am the weakest on, they won't ask for any more from that set.  Who knows if it'll work! I know it usually works for my jury.. 

I recently applied and got a scholarship for a summer program in Italy. Unfortunately I didn't get enough though. I told the woman not to cancel my application in case I am able to make the money (more in hopes that they'd increase my scholarship though).

Singing is going well, except for getting sick recently. That always is a bummer.

I have long hair now. :) Am not saying how.

Pray for me and my little recital.

The master class went really well today! I learned a lot, but at the same time am proud because she said that she didn't need to fix that much.

I'm really tired so I'll update in a longer entry tomorrow about the masterclass and how rehearsal with my accompanist and for my church gig on sunday goes.

Tomorrow I'm singing in a master class for Helen Donath! I'm freaking out a little inside. She's such an international superstar and I'm definitely intimidated by just being in a room with her, much less when I have to sing!

Still, I'm hoping that it'll go well and she'll #1, give me good advice for improvement, and #2, remember who I am. I feel like it's important for my name to start getting out there, sort of. I want people to start remembering me so that when I start performing they'll say, "Hmm..  I remember her..  Maybe I'll hire her." or something similar.

I'm singing Bester Jüngling from Der Schauspieldirektor for her tomorrow. I practiced it today and felt pretty good about it. I really have to solidify my breathing and support and remember to keep my throat open!

Last week Dr. Pilar threw me for a loop and told me to keep my face in a smile shape ALL THE TIME which I thought was a little crazy but  I did it anyway. I felt like I didn't have enough space! And it's because I really didn't, haha. So when I coached the piece with her yesterday for a little while she was like ,"DROP YOUR JAW!" and suddenly everything felt so much better. I have a feeling she was trying to get me to strengthen my inner lift so after a week of lifting all the time because of my smile, when I relaxed the lift was still there. I could be wrong but that's what it seems like was happening.

I was freaking out because I couldn't do the coloratura of the piece holding my mouth that way and was worried there was something wrong with me, but once I relaxed out of it things were so in place and so nice that I did the coloratura better than before times 10!!!

It's been a pretty good day singing wise. I also started preparing for Bastiene und Bastienne. The arias are more difficult than they seem! Hard to keep legato over those lines.

Well, time to sleep!